We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions

I’ve had a number of conversations recently about the interpretations we make about how other people behave.

For example, a boss who won’t intervene in a dispute between two members of a leadership team. Reported to me by a client as being weak and conflict-averse and possibly favouring one of them over the other but doesn’t want to be seen to take sides.

Really? How do you know?

Often, we leap to conclusions about the rationale behind someone else’s actions. But when we find ourselves in a similar situation, we come up with a whole set of other explanations. “They need to resolve these issues between themselves. This is a board room, not the school playground and I’m not here to referee on childish spats.” Or: “I have a number of really big issues on my hands and this is just not important enough for me to give it time right now.” Or: “I don’t want to micro-manage my team. I believe they are experienced enough to know how to deal with an issue like this. I’ll intervene as and when they ask for my help.”

In other words, we judge others by what we see of their actions and behaviour. We judge ourselves by the rationale and reasoning that goes on in our heads. Most people are well-intentioned, there are very few genuinely malign, malicious people in the world. But we don’t stop to remember that when they do something we don’t like or don’t understand.

Taking the time to consider what possible motives someone might have for their behaviour is a step towards being a bit more charitable towards them, at least. At its best, it’s a process of keeping an open mind until you have more information on which to make a judgement. Look for more evidence for what they think about something. Perhaps even ask them what was behind their actions. Work out what you might do in the circumstances, and why, and what might influence you to do something differently.

We still might not like what they do or don’t do, but at least we give them the benefit of believing they’re doing it for good, well-intentioned reasons. Just because it’s causing us a certain amount of discomfort or disruption doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

You might have heard this called the ladder of inference, the psychological process whereby we take a piece of evidence and make a number of mental leaps about what it means until we reach a conclusion which seems to make sense. It goes like this:

“My boss yawned while I was giving that presentation. They obviously thought I was boring or not making sense. If I can’t even hold their attention for 20 minutes, I must be really useless at this job. They don’t suffer fools, I know that. I’m going to be fired any minute.”

From one small fact (boss yawns in meeting) we leap to a conclusion (I’m going to be fired). Usually a worst-case scenario.

What if the boss’s young child was awake during the night, or the neighbours were having a loud party? What if she’s just come from a really demanding meeting, with no time in between for a sandwich and a re-charge? What if she’s dealing with a huge issue somewhere else in the organisation that you don’t know about?

Before you jump to a conclusion, become a detective. Ask a colleague for some feedback. Could your presentation have been more engaging? Did you go on too long? What else the boss is dealing with? Maybe it’s a topic the boss just isn’t that excited about, important though it is?

Developing these skills of open-mindedness and inquiry will stand you in good stead in almost everything you do. For example:

Why did that person fail to tell me they were going to miss the deadline? Maybe they are ashamed to admit they’ve made a mistake? Perhaps they don't have enough knowledge or experience for that task? Maybe they find me intimidating? Maybe I didn’t stress how important the deadline actually is? Maybe I didn’t make it clear that I need to know well in advance if there’s going to be a delay?

You might notice that some of this thinking is about what you might have done, however inadvertently, to create the situation you find yourself in. How much time did you take to explain properly what was required? Did you check they had actually understood what you meant? How much support did you offer them? Did you make it clear it was okay to ask for help or raise issues?

Another classic Stephen Covey quote is “If I really want to improve my situation, I can work on the one thing over which I have control - myself.” Let’s start there.