“When they like what I'm doing I feel valued, appreciated, loved. When they don't like it, my sense of self-worth collapses.”

This, or a variation of this, comes up often in my work with women leaders. It’s a really common issue and, like many common issues, has validity. Most of us need a bit of feedback from other people, to know how we’re doing, to feel valued and recognised, and to motivate us.

Problems arise, though, if we rely entirely or largely on external validation. If we have no sense for ourselves of what we’re good at, whether we did the right thing (even if we didn’t get the desired outcome), whether we’re following a path that satisfies and fulfils us rather than our boss or our organisation, then our self-worth and self-confidence is entirely in the hands of other people.

That’s a lot of power to hand over.

You can’t please everyone all of the time, no matter how hard you try. Other people have different values, ways of working and priorities to you, and with the best will in the world there are going to be variances and disagreements.

Also, other people are worried about their own performance, To Do list and professional reputation. They’re not spending half as much time thinking about you as you are. They’re busy. Distracted. Focused on something that maybe you can’t see. Doing what's important to them, for whatever reason.

People will have different values to you. What gives you a sense of purpose or achievement may mean nothing to them. Why would they think to give you acknowledgement or praise for something that doesn’t even consciously register with them?

So relying entirely on other people’s feedback is laying yourself open to huge disappointment. And you have no way of navigating yourself through the choices and challenges that life presents if your inner compass is entirely dependent on someone else’s opinion.

To be psychologically healthy, we need a bit of both. Of course it’s important to know how you’re coming across, what impact you’re having, whether you’re doing what’s expected. But it’s also important to know what matters to you, whether you did your best, whether you did the right thing not the easy or popular thing. That you did a good job even if no one else noticed. To be able to rely on your own judgement, independently of others. That's about taking responsibility for yourself. Staying true to your intention, beliefs and values, and being the person you want to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it exist? Sometimes, even if no one else notices, you are the best person to judge the quality of your existence and the contribution you are making to the world.

Photo courtesy of Dominic Vogl via unsplash