I hate being rescued. Okay, if I was drowning or stranded on a freezing mountain, I might be quite keen on the idea. But in every day life, I don’t respond at all well when someone else puts their cape and tights on and sweeps in and sorts out my problems.

Ungrateful? Probably. And there are plenty of circumstances when I’m happy to accept help. But I’ve just realised that when someone presents me with what they see as a solution to some of life’s challenges, I have all sorts of counter-reactions. Who are you to tell me what to do? I’m perfectly capable of sorting out my own life, thank you. (Even when the evidence might suggest otherwise!) Thanks, but you don’t actually understand the complexities of the situation and no, it’s not the same as when it happened to you.

Yes, all very petulant child.

I realised today that this is classic “drama triangle” territory.

The drama triangle was developed by Stephen Karpman in 1968. He was a student of Eric Berne, the creator of Transactional Analysis, how we switch between different “roles” in our relationships (parent, child, adult). Karpman extended the idea to describe behaviours that fall into the categories of Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim.

As Persecutor, we can be judgemental, blaming, critical. As a Victim, we do “poor me”, refusing to take responsibility for ourselves and blaming everyone else for our situation. As Rescuer, we see others as helpless and needing to be saved (from the situation and, sometimes, from themselves).

I recently found myself feeling very Victim when someone else did what I felt was Rescuer - here’s THE answer to your problem, it’s simple, I can fix it for you. It made me feel helpless, inadequate, resentful and immediately mentally checking off all the reasons why their solution wouldn’t work.

Definitely ungrateful!

The adult truth is that the solution is a good one. Yes, there are (genuine) hurdles to overcome in order to implement it, but that doesn’t diminish the quality of the solution. It requires a certain humility on my part to accept the offer and a certain groundedness to explain why I can’t just snap it up straight away and need to pave the way first, but it IS a solution and a very welcome one.

It was a bit of a shock to realise I react so badly to being rescued. I was brought up in a household where self-sufficiency, staying calm, pulling oneself together and not making a fuss were highly prized, so it’s not really surprising that I see being rescued as a sign of weakness. But that’s not a helpful attitude and means I spend a lot of time struggling with problems on my own before finally admitting tired, frustrated defeat and letting someone else in.

I see this in leaders a lot. Apart from their upbringing, leaders believe they are supposed to know all the answers, be strong and assertive, and never show any weakness. No wonder so many of them struggle with stress, burnout and professional loneliness.

I also, though, see a tendency to rescue, particularly in women who were brought up to be caring, collaborative, team players. Look after others. Put other people’s needs before your own and do whatever it takes to help out with other people’s problems. If you do it a lot, it teaches the people around you that you will fix all their problems so they don’t need to bother thinking for themselves, thereby also leading to stress and burnout. Not to mention resentment when you suddenly notice that everyone leaves it all to you and you’re overworked and tired and trapped in the minutiae of operational problems rather than any kind of strategic leadership work.

We all slip into all of these roles from time to time. Sometimes we can cycle round the drama triangle multiple times in one conversation. Pay attention next time you’re in a frustrating meeting and see if you can spot which role you’re in at any given moment. Then ask yourself how helpful that is (clue: probably not at all) and how you need to manage yourself differently to step out of the triangle, access your inner grown-up and change the dynamics of the conversation.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on the drama triangle and how it shows up in your leadership.

And if you’d like my help to find your confidence, authority, impact and inner adult, drop me a message and let’s talk.