Why is it so hard to say no?

Why do we struggle to say no?

After all, we know the consequences of not doing it, because we live with them every day. The stress. The feeling of being overloaded and overwhelmed and of never getting anything done properly. Being totally occupied by a mountain of nitty gritty tasks while the other mountain of big strategic questions and actions never gets any attention. Compromising on the quality of what you do in order to get through the sheer volume. Not getting any credit for the amount of effort you put in, because you never deliver anything truly outstanding - and the self-recrimination because you kind of know what you should do about it but somehow you never do.

Why is saying no so hard?

As humans, we’re wired to be social animals. In our early evolution, we lived in small groups and we depended on each other to stay safe from predators and rival groups and to ensure we all had enough to eat. Babies who are emotionally neglected suffer long-term consequences, even when their physical needs are met. We need a sense of genuine connection to other humans in order to thrive.

So doing things that might carry a risk of being ostracised by our group feel highly dangerous.

We worry we will be cast aside by our team, peers or bosses. We worry our friends will stop liking us. We worry about losing our job, pay rise or promotion, or not being invited to parties. We worry on a fundamental level about being disliked.

And since our bodies are primed for survival, and staying connected and accepted by others is a primary survival need, no matter how hard our rational brain tells us we should say no, our muscle and neurological processes override our thinking and keep us doing what we imagine other people want and expect from us.

The consequences of saying yes

Saying yes to everything, whether we want to do it or not, devalues our commitment. Grudge and resentment are not good emotions to bring into our interpersonal relationships. People around us know we’re overloaded (possibly because we tell them so. A lot!) and start to resent us in return for not standing up for ourselves more. We start to resent ourselves and our self-esteem diminishes. We develop a victim mentality about life. “If only I weren’t so busy.” “No one understands what it’s like.” “No one appreciates what I do.” “I don’t know why I bother.” That doesn’t make us an attractive person to be around, it doesn’t make us feel good about ourselves, and it doesn’t help us to change.

The consequences to us as individuals of always saying yes have a real cost to our relationships, our self-respect, and our sense of fulfilment and achievement in life.

Professionally, as a member of a team or organisation, we might have a certain value because we take on stuff that no one else really wants and we push on through mountains of crap that other (more selfish?) people avoid. But actually, we miss important deadlines, we let people down and, quite possibly, the quality of our work is compromised because we are so rushed and overloaded we don’t have time to think things through properly or do anything to a really high standard. The people around us start to lose respect for us as professionals. They don’t appreciate our constant complaints about how busy we are - we’re all busy! And they don’t appreciate the substandard results we deliver to the team.

We have to recognise that saying yes to everything eventually becomes counterproductive, creating exactly the reactions in other people we are trying to avoid.

Learning to say no

To be able to say no, we have to learn some new habits, and we have to learn how to do it in a way which doesn’t blow the baby down the plughole along with the bath water.

Understand the consequences of no

Firstly, we have to understand the consequences of our “no” to those around us. They are going to be surprised, possibly even angry. They are going to wonder what’s come over us. They’re going to resent us for suddenly not being the reliable dumping-ground for all that work. They’re going to be frustrated at having to find someone else to do it, or having to make choices about what doesn’t get done.

We have to acknowledge the implications for the other person, out loud, to show that we understand their point of view.

We may need to make some kind of offer, to sweeten the pill. We might offer to find someone else to help out. We might offer to train or mentor that person because for someone else it could be a development opportunity.

We might need to point out the strategic consequences of continuing to focus on operational demands at the expense of strategic priorities. Keeping the show on the road is important, but not if it stops you noticing a massive boulder ahead. If the wheels are going to come off when you hit that huge pothole, what’s the point of continually pumping up the tyres or revving the engine?

We have to speak to the concerns of the other person. We have to show that we understand how things look from their perspective and appreciate that there may be tensions in what we both want from work and life.

Why does it matter to you?

Then we have to articulate why it’s important for us to say no. That we are cracking under the strain or are deeply unsatisfied in our work. That we care enough about something to say no to a lot of other things. That we want the chance to do an important piece of work really well, rather than a lot of work not-very-well.

We have to hold steady to our own priorities and needs and be willing to articulate those. Not in an aggressive way, but calmly and confidently, grounded in the knowledge of why it matters and what’s really important to us.

Keep focused on the benefits

We may have to work on reminding ourselves of the benefits of making this change. The calm that might descend on our lives when we are in control and not pushing beyond our limits. The satisfaction that comes from a job well done, or a self-respecting boundary upheld. The recognition from others of the quality of our work. Maybe even a bonus or a promotion. The joy of having time and energy for our friends and family, or ourselves. The ability to recharge without the nagging fear of all that remains undone.

We also need to keep reminding ourselves that only we truly care about our own mental health, wellbeing, sense of achievement and work-life balance. We may be surrounded by people we like, in a functioning and enjoyable team, but when it comes down to it, organisations are hungry monsters and they will take everything we have to offer unless we draw a line and are prepared to stick to it. The only person with a genuine vested interest in our own life is us.

Say no to the request, not the person

We have to learn how to say no to the request, the task, the specific piece of work, but not to the person and the productive working relationship we value so highly.

It’s not life and death

And we also need to keep reminding ourselves that we are no longer roaming the savannah, hunting for scarce food and warding off hungry lions. If someone takes against us for standing up for ourselves, then we can mostly manage without them.

Leading the way

Finally, it turns out that many people are struggling to manage their priorities and their boundaries and seeing someone else do it earns their respect, even admiration. And they learn from watching it happen. If you want your team to be more focused on priorities, able to set aside distractions and keep on track despite multiple competing demands, you have to lead the way. Show them how to do it well, and show them the benefits that arise. Show them the positive outcomes from delivering high quality work that really makes a difference.

Need help?

You might have got this far and still not feel you can actually put a “no” into practice. If that’s the case, drop me a message and let’s talk about how I can help you. Together we can plan out your rationale, your approach, your tone, your body language, how to manage your own emotions and the reactions you might get. We can practice together and identify opportunities for low-risk experimentation in the real world.

I’m here for you every step of the way, supporting you, guiding you, pushing you when necessary, cheerleading and congratulating. You don’t have to do it alone.