Because of Covid, train strikes and protracted engineering works, last week was the first time for a long time I’ve been on what you might call a commuter train. I had just been given a stark warning about not burning out, so I decided to use the 75 minutes as downtime. I sat and read the Harvard Business Review. (I know.)

For the first time in ages, I read four long articles back-to-back, each of them fascinating and thought-provoking.

What struck me was how unfamiliar it felt to be intellectually provoked into thinking differently. Some of the articles talked about ideas I had been vaguely thinking about for a while (how do we use the pandemic to re-think the way we work? When we worry about how to transmit culture in remote-working organisations, what do we really mean and why does it matter? When we complain that remote working doesn’t work, is that because it doesn’t, or because we haven’t done enough radical thinking about how to make it work?). But I realised that in my cult of busyness I had lost the time and mental space to do any big picture thinking, to notice trends or themes coming up in my work, or to give sufficient thought to the underlying meaning in the challenges faced by my clients and how I might better support them.

I found myself thinking about one of my clients who laments her inability to talk “corporate speak”, believing it to be a disadvantage in her career. Reading these articles, particularly about remote working, the very nature of work itself, and the cult of busyness, it seemed to me that unless we have people who think outside the constraints of our current mental models, we will never crack some of these really important problems. HBR articles are often written by academics, people whose entire rationale is to broaden minds, think new thoughts and do research. We need people like my client who can take those ideas and put them into practice in organisations and communities, and to make them useful in the real world.

Like me, I have many clients who struggle to find the time to do any strategic work. But how will we learn and develop if we don’t? How will we uncover the answers if we don’t spend quality time examining the questions?

So maybe this train journey wasn’t exactly downtime. But it certainly energised me and gave me a reason to want to do something about the incipient burnout that is constraining my ability not only to do my job well but to live a satisfying, healthy and useful life.

Time for a change.

The other day, I got asked to do something I didn’t want to do. I knew from the moment the conversation got underway that it was a “no”. But it took another 48 hours before I politely declined. Since then, I’ve been reflecting on how the process unfolded over those 48 hours. One of the things I help my clients with is how to say no gracefully and without causing mayhem in their relationships, so I thought it might be instructive to unpick my experience step by step and see what I might be able to learn.

THE REQUEST

I didn’t recognise the mobile number that flashed up on my screen. Often I don’t answer those calls. But I’m the first point of contact for my elderly Mum and her carers, so I thought I’d better answer, just in case.

It was indeed someone I didn’t know. A neighbour who is active in local politics. She was asking me if I would stand as a local government representative for our area, to advance the cause she is passionate about.

I’m not especially political, I find politics frustrating and irritating for many reasons, and I have no aspirations to make a contribution via that route.

Coincidentally I’d had a conversation with my partner that morning about not being a “committee” person, instead preferring to volunteer for specific practical tasks.

And, see above, I’m the main point of contact and a carer for my Mum, and it’s incredibly draining and, often, time-consuming. Running a business and a house and a relationship and my Mum means I don’t have the energy or headspace for anything else at the moment.

So I was really clear this was a no.

GOOD MANNERS

I felt it was only fair to listen to what this caller had to say. She represents views I agree with, I’m glad someone like her is on the case, and in general, I’m keen to support her. And it seemed only reasonable to listen properly to the request, to what it involved, and why I should consider it.

I asked some clarifying questions and when she needed an answer.

FLATTERY GETS YOU A LONG WAY

Yes, I admit it. I was flattered to be asked. Somehow I’ve become someone who gets asked to do these sorts of things (this isn’t the first time). It’s not a small thing to be asked to represent your neighbours in an official capacity on an important subject.

Also, for many years, I had pretty low self-esteem when I thought no one would ever value what I had to offer or ask me to take on leadership positions, so there was definitely a residue of gratitude that someone actually wanted me.

TOUGH LOVE

I’m rubbish at this. I hate the idea I might hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel rejected or dismissed. So I didn’t say no straightaway, out of deference to her feelings rather than my own. I don’t know if that was the right decision or not. I did say I had other pressures on my time and wasn’t sure, but would give it due consideration - in other words, I tried not to create false expectations. But somehow I couldn’t just say no there-and-then. It felt too rude/brutal. That’s just me - but I know it’s not just me that feels like this.

MULLING IT OVER

She sent me links to more information and a video of people talking about taking on this kind of role, why they’d done it, what it involved, what satisfaction they got from it. She asked me to respond within three days.

I didn’t look at the links for 24 hours or more. (I was busy. But also I knew the information wouldn’t make any difference. I didn’t want to do it, and nothing I could hear would make me change my mind.) On the morning of the second day, still busy, I thought I ought to take a look (what if she can track whether I’ve looked at it?) so I could turn it down in the knowledge I’d given it proper thought (I hadn’t, it was an entirely instinctive decision, albeit one based on previous similar experiences and a general context of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and knowing that meant I had to say no to more things).

THE DECLINE

I like this word “decline”. It feels less harsh than a no. It feels more graceful and polite, like declining an invitation to a formal event on a nice piece of card, with a fountain pen.

I felt I should decline sooner rather than later - why leave it to the deadline, especially if she had to find someone else in my place? So 24 hours “early”, I was ready to pass on my decision.

INTROVERTED TENDENCIES (AKA COWARDICE)

I felt I should probably ring her up. She had rung me, she was clearly an extrovert, chatty sort of person. I’m not. I’d much rather do things on text or email. She had sent the additional information via WhatsApp. It was early on a Sunday morning, she has a family and lots of commitments. And yes, cowardly me, I didn’t want to have to do it face-to-face (or the next best thing). So I sent a return WhatsApp. It fills a whole screen of my phone.

MAKING MYSELF SMALL - OR NOT

I often talk to clients about how women minimise themselves. “I’m sorry if you’ve already thought of this.” “I don’t know if this makes sense.” “I’m sorry to let you down.” “I’m sure this is a stupid question.” “I’m sorry I probably maybe shouldn’t oughtn’t although if you’re desperate…”

I was determined not to do that. Woman to woman, she was pretty assertive in her request, why should I feel I had to suck up to her, or soften the blow? Why should I make myself small and secondary and apologetic in my response to an unsolicited request that just didn’t fit into my current priorities? And I should be modelling this stuff that I bang on about to my clients.

So I didn’t let myself type “I’m sorry.” Not once. I thanked her for the approach. I said it wasn’t something I could do right now, and explained why. I admit, I did say “I don’t think I can take this on” when really I should have said “I can’t take this on.” I did quite a lot of (unnecessary?) explaining. I made a suggestion of someone else she could try. I thanked her for the work she does on our behalf.

Too much? Probably, but it felt like the middle ground between being curt and being too soft.

THE RESPONSE

She replied immediately. Her response was even longer than mine to her. She thanked me for considering it, praised how I’d handled the unsolicited call, told me she thought I would be fantastic but she understood why not. She made suggestions for three other things I could do to support the cause. She acknowledged the challenges I have with my Mum, without repeating her own long list of caring commitments that she’d shared in the first call.

And she had already found someone else!

RELIEF!

Good outcome all round, no?

I held my ground, didn’t allow myself to be talked into something I didn’t want to do (I would have in the past), didn’t make myself small. I acknowledged her and her right to make the request. We were both straightforward and honest. She was gracious in response. I feel there won’t be any embarrassment or awkwardness if I bump into her in the village.

And like a very sensible person, she didn’t rely on me saying yes but kept her own options open and continued to seek a solution while waiting to hear from me.

CONCLUSION

Saying no is a complex transaction for many of us, especially if we have empathy for other people (not everyone has this problem!). It is possible to learn how to say no to a REQUEST without saying no to the PERSON making it. It is possible to decline and still feel friendly and connected to the requester and not embarrassed about yourself.

Yes it takes a lot of practice. It requires us to be able to give equal weight to our own wants and needs as well as those of the other person, again something which many of us struggle with. But it IS possible.

I’m relieved I said no. I’m pleased with how I handled it. I know I will be able to do it better next time. And I might be able to support my clients better as a result. It’s a winner!

What are your experiences of saying no - or failing to? What helps you do it, what gets in the way?